Anodyne
by stillfriends
Summary: When Rick and Gina leave for the Hamptons, Kate feels a sense of rejections she has never felt before. Not being a "sharer", no one thinks to as how she feels. Kate turns to the one option she knows will make her feel better: narcotics Trigger warning for substance abuse and thoughts of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

She watches as he walks out the door. She wants to go with him, to say she accepts the offer. Only it's too late and her chances are up. She has lost the game- to his ex-wife at that.

Kate realizes what she has lost. A partner, a friend, and possibly one of the few people that truly cared about her. How can she possibly make it through the summer without him? Until the pain of rejection, or maybe regret, slowly sinks in.

The next day is fairly normal. The crime scene involving a forty something year old law firm victim is slightly reminiscent of her mother's murder, but Kate doesn't really make the connection.

Ryan greets her to break the silence. "Well, I've forgotten what it's like without Hop a Long here with us."

"I bet you're glad he's not another liability for you today." Esposito adds.

Kate frowns. "I'm not that heartless, am I?"

"No, but you don't seem to care about him much, considering how you treat him. 'Don't make me shoot you Castle'" he mimics perfectly as she starts to back away.

And then she breaks.

Rick has been the only one to make her feel alive since her mother's murder. Now he's gone. The next few days are a struggle. Kate finds herself glancing at his chair every so often, only to find it empty. Her job is dangerous and there's no promise of another tomorrow. But something inside her, perhaps her version of grieving, is craving something reckless. RebelBex no longer seems as far away as she previously thought.

Hours later, Kate stares at the prescription bottle she took from narcotics. The dark label title stares back. "Oxycontin" it reads. She knows she shouldn't do this; knows the solution is only temporary. She needs this, needs to forget, needs the psychological pain to be relieved. "Just wait," her reasonable side tells her. "Tomorrow will be better." Only she is only fooling herself. The mental space she's in right now will not be okay tomorrow and neither will her relationship with Rick. She has been rejected by plenty of people in the past. How is Rick different?

"Consider your dad. Or Ryan and Esposito." Well, her relationship with her dad has been distant ever since her mother's murder. Even after he gave up drinking, it is not the same. As for Ryan and Esposito, they see her as the good girl detective. Every day, all buttoned up and completely (or at least nearly) perfect. As great as their detective training is, she highly doubts they will ever suspect a thing. Besides, there are way too many confiscated drugs, even more illicit ones, in the narcotics department for anyone to notice. Maybe she needs some Angel Dust instead.

Kate takes a look around her apartment and closes her eyes. She opens the bottle and takes the pill. At first, nothing happens. Until she feels it. Floating. No more thoughts. Maybe now her dreams will no longer be haunted by dreams of work, her mother, or scenarios of Castle leaving her.


	2. Chapter 2

Then next day is easier. She wakes up, pops another pill, and starts on her way to work. Her mood on the drive pleasant enough that she hums show tunes on the way to work. Until she reaches the precinct and the chaos starts again, though this time to a different extent.

"Morning boys," Beckett smiles as the elevator stops at her floor.

"Well someone's in a good mood. Castle's back?"

Kate sits down at her desk, attempting to read a case file.

"No, why does everything have to be about him. I'm just happy, god. Sometimes you think everything revolves around him. "

This is new. Esposito turns to look at Ryan questioningly, only to have him simply shrug back.

"Anyway," Espo continues, "did you hear about the break in down in narcotics? Someone broke in or something. They are going over everything to see what's missing."

Kate's eyes widen. Oh crap. Oh crap. In a reckless haze she hadn't thought… It's pointless now. She needs to find a way to get the bottle back, then find another source.

"Um, one moment I have to go um do something." She mumbles and attempts to stand and grab her bag all in a rush. Black dots fade into her vision. She feels more lightheaded that before. Quickly, she grabs her desk for a second to steady herself.

When Kate opens her eyes again she finds Ryan studying her. "You alright, Beckett? Maybe you should go home for the day. You don't seem well." With jumbled thoughts, almost like she's struggling to form a response, Kate simply tilts her head and continues back to the elevator.

Where do you think you are going? The narcotics floor has people all over now. Security cameras too. Now what? Her mind races. The elevator continues its sluggish decent. Ding, ding, ding, down the floors. Could it go any slower? At last it reaches its stop. She bursts out, only to find no one sees her spastic entry. The place has more cops than normal. She can't simply put the bottle back. Taking it late after everyone went home or to graveyard shift break was way easier.

Seeing no other option, she takes her purse with the bottle nestled inside back down to the gym floor. She takes it into the bathroom and flushes the pills down the toilet. She takes the pill bottle, wraps it in toilet paper, and tosses it. No one checks the garbage, she hopes.

Beckett manages to return to the homicide floor acting like nothing happened. Everything seems to have returned to normal, but every so often the boys give her questioning looks.

Around lunch time she starts to feel different. Emotional memories start to seep back in. Her brain feels more focused, her thoughts are sharper. Admittedly it makes her job easier. She sees connections now as she stares at the murder board of possible suspects for the law firm worker now identified as Anna Martin. The facts are straight in front of her, but all Kate sees is a parallel scenario to her mother's. She can't do this again. The medicated aloofness is gone. Pain has returned. She needs it to stop again.

Kate looks up from the murder board. "I'm going out to lunch."

"Lunch? Since when do you eat lunch? Not that it isn't a good idea to have lunch just that you never and-" Ryan babbles, but Kate walks away before either one can ask to accompany her.

Instead of lunch, Kate goes back to her apartment. Right before she manages to unlock her door, old Mrs. Chesterfield from across the hall opens her door. Normally Kate manages to avoid Mrs. Chesterfield and her long talks or invitations to come inside for some cookies. Just her luck though, Kate isn't fast enough today.

"Kaylee darling, will you keep me company? It's tea time!" Mrs. Chesterfield drawls. For an older woman, she sure has a big voice. Sure is forgetful or hard of hearing as she always insists on calling her Kaylee; Kate still has not figured out which. She is about to ignore Mrs. Chesterfield as usual until the woman manages to guilt trip her. "My daughter planned to visit me, but changed her mind. No one understands, when you get to be my age, it's always lonely, cause no one wants to see the old hag anymore." Fatigued, Kate retreats over to Mrs. Chesterfield's apartment, not in the mental state to say a few words across the hallway.

The inside is much nicer than she imagined, though a bit cluttered. She jabbers aimlessly with Mrs. Chesterfield until she spots it. All sorts of pill bottles, many half empty. She wonders briefly if Mrs. Chesterfield would be aware enough to notice one missing.

"You seeing something of your fancy over there, Kaylee?" Mrs. Chesterfield breaks off the conversation.

She shouldn't say anything, but the taste of thoughtlessness draws her like a moth to an open fire. "Yeah," she lets out shakily, "just noticing that you have an awful lot a bottles over there. Uh, you should really dispose of any medication you don't use."

"Is that so? Well, thank you Kaylee, that's really helpful. I wouldn't know how though."

"I could help you."

"Of course dear. It is really wonderful you stopped by. You should take them before you leave. Now where was I before this lovely suggestion?"

"Actually, I'm kind of in a hurry. I lost track of time."

"Oh well, hurry along then Kaylee. So nice of you to stop in."

Kate knows this is bad. But it doesn't stop her from taking the crate. Lying to an old lady. Wasting time that could be used fighting for justice. Has she really gotten that low in her life? Even her RebelBex days had higher morals than this.


	3. Chapter 3

She doesn't feel like going back, but what can she do? No need to make the boys any more suspicious than they already are. Buzz! Kate jumps at the sound of her phone. Without looking at it she opens the door to her apartment and sets the crate down.

Inside the crate there are numerous pill bottle; some seem to be decades old. Now let's see. There's quite a few cholesterol lowering drugs, some for hypertension… and some pain killers. Morphine in 15mg this time. Not bothering to read dosing instructions, she pops two, thinking that should do it.

As she arrives at the precinct she sees that she left over an hour ago. On the elevator up she contemplates an excuse.

"Why are you back?" They look curiously at her. Do they know? Oh no she can't afford to lose her job. She'll get better, she promises, though she knows there has never been a cop with a mark on their record.

"Well there's work to do, right?"

"Yeah, but Captain said to take the day off. I guess if you wanna work, then you can work."

"Of course I will work. Where are we on leads?"

As Esposito talks Kate nods at them and tries to act normal. Or at least whatever the hell normal looks like for her. Only the calm floating feeling has started again and she isn't entirely focused. It's like fuzzy particles to her brain. It's like anesthesia for the brain. It's like drunk she decides. Good enough. Oh wait, what was Espo saying now?

"Beckett, you okay?"

She jumps and blinks a few times.

"Yeah. Continue on about Mrs. Defer."

When being questioned, state as many facts as possible. Try to be helpful to be less suspicious.

"'Kay good. Just checking because you look distracted."

"Nope, I'm good."

She sits down to work. Everything seems fine for now.

Hours later everyone starts leaving and Kate decides it's time to call it a day. Tomorrow their main suspect was bound to be back in town and they plan to pick her up first thing tomorrow. An apb will suffice for now.

When she gets home, Kate looks at the bottle of morphine again. According to the instructions, only one is needed every twelve hours or so. No wonder the fuzzy feeling earlier was so strong. Now it seems to have worn off slightly. She decides this is the happy medium: not fuzzy, but painless.

She sleeps well again. The first thing she does is take another pill, but this time only one because there's no knowing what could happen between drinking coffee and taking morphine. By the time she arrives at the precinct, their suspect has already been taken in. Kate prepares herself to step into the interrogation room where Mrs. Defer sits.

"You know lady, I have no clue what happened to Anna. All I know is that she was incompetent and manipulative. Look at what kind of mediocre job she did. I sprained my ankle."

Kate glanced down at her file. All they knew about Anna was that she worked at the deli a few blocks from here. "How did you know her?"

"From her yoga studio. Terrible place. Hot, with too many people. I would never go back there."

Hmm, well that was never filed on her takes. Kate made a note for Ryan to look into that.

"Okay, where were you between nine to eleven in the morning on the 26th?"

"I'm not telling you. I want a lawyer."

Kate balks at her sudden change in attitude. Confused, she leaves, not even bothering to fight. While she walks she notices her hands are shaking as much as her brain seems to be. The first thing she sees as soon as she steps out of the interrogation room in her dazed state is Ryan.

"What happened in there?"

"I don't know. It's not my fault that suspects don't cooperate!"

"Yes, but then you push them to talk. Interrogate their ass, like Castle used to say. The way you left without a fight was worse than the guy that works at the first. Everyone called him was Scared Sammy."

"Okay, I'll go back."

"I think it's best if I will finish. And whatever you're up to, either finish it fast or let us help before Montgomery notices."


	4. Chapter 4

By now Ryan and Esposito have fallen into the habit of protecting Kate. For whatever reason, something about her is off. Murder calls that would normally have her racing to the crime scene are now glanced at quietly. The new Beckett is no longer her high strung self. This one is quiet and not very observant. At first it was a little forgetfulness, which they thought would resolve itself. Only Kate is getting worse in front of their eyes day after day. Every once in a while Kate does seem okay. She builds detailed theories. But those coherent times are mix in with her being quite cranky and fidgety. Kate's unpredictable.

So the boys chose to leave her out of picking up suspects, feeling it's safer for her this way. She doesn't seem to notice. It wasn't a planned agreement on their part though. It just happened and from then on they let it continue.

"We've got an address for our suspect."

"Okay, I'll be there."

"Or you could just catch up on paperwork."

"Umm, yeah, sure I can do that."

"Paperwork? Since when does Beckett agree to paperwork?" Esposito demands as soon as Ryan gets off the phone.

Ryan shrugs. "Not sure, but I think she just needs time off from her job."

"Do you know something I don't?"

Ryan shakes his head, wishing he actually did. It's a blessing for her that Montgomery is off on an intense conference for the summer. As close as Montgomery and Beckett are, there is no way that he would continue to let her work in this condition. Where would that leave Beckett?

"Hey Espo, do you think you can do me a favor?"

"Yeah, sure. What do you want?"

"Do you think you could press Lanie for info about Beckett? Maybe she know what's going on. We could be worrying for nothing."

When Lanie answers, she too knows nothing about Kate, but makes a good promise to them to interrogate her the next chance she gets. Only Kate seems to be elusive. Obviously she needs some space since she won't even answer Lanie's calls. Lanie has half a mind to go up to the homicide floor herself and interrogate her, but decides against it. The only time she ever sees Kate is at the crime scenes. Kate keeps her distance and doesn't say much. Lanie wishes crime scenes are a little less hectic, so she can get a better look at Kate.

"Maybe it has something to do with her mother. Give her time." Lanie decides to advise the boys.

Weeks go by. Nothing changes about her. Esposito considers pushing some sensible thoughts onto her. The old Beckett would be receptive to his 'toughen up' ways. Ryan starts to consider possible options, but nothing comes to mind. He almost wishes Castle were here to spin some wild theory. Who knows, with the way she's acting, anything seems plausible. Or at least, Ryan is willing to consider it is it means Beckett will get better.

Each day at the precinct has become a new Beckett theory day for Ryan in addition to their cases. By their cases he means Esposito and himself. Beckett seems to have found herself a new calling filling out paperwork.

"Do you think it's a brain tumor?" Ryan asks Esposito.

"Naw, those things give you headaches, I think."

"But they can also change your personality if it's in the right position."

"I don't know. The other symptoms would be showing too, if the tumor is big enough to cause this type of change. Then again, I'm not a doctor."

So the next day Ryan tries another theory.

"You think she could be pregnant? I've heard pregnancy brain can make you seem crazy."

"By who?"

"Well Demming? Or some other new guy…" Ryan trails off.

"That might be true, but why hasn't she told us yet?"

They agree that theory makes the most sense, or at least because they are hoping it is. Better pregnant than a tumor. Except Beckett should be showing by now, with how many weeks she has been acting strangely.

That night, Esposito stays up worrying about Beckett. As cool as he is trying to play it, Ryan's concern for her has rubbed off onto him too. At last he decides to call Castle, wherever he may be off in the Hamptons with his blonde bimbo ex-wife. Sure, he can have a relaxing vacation, and leave them here with a messed up Beckett. Castle doesn't answer the call.

The next day, Beckett accompanies them to the crime scene, like she does every once in a while. Everything seems to be normal until they see Castle in the window of a bookstore next to the crime scene. Apparently he got some writing done since the new Nikki Heat is out. Why didn't Castle call all summer?

"He didn't call us." Ryan thinks, not realizing that he also said it out loud.

"Yeah, and now he shows up in town with that big smirk on his ruggedly handsome…"

"Oh quit whining about your boyfriend. We've got a crime scene to look at." Beckett interjects.

So this is one of her more aware times apparently. If only Castle could come back and see her somehow, Ryan decides.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Castle, it's me again. Beckett noticed that you were back. Do you think that you could drop by the precinct soon? She's still the same wacked out character from the last time I talked to you."

A few days later Castle shows up at the precinct's homicide floor. His eyes scanned the room until his gaze fell upon a certain detective.

"Kate, how have you been?"

"I don't know, Castle. How do you think I've been?"

Kate's voice is monotone. Coupled with her excellent poker face, Castle cannot decide whether she is joking or truly mad at him. He chooses to proceed with caution.

"Okay, well I hope you have been well."

"Cool. Now why are you here? Go back to the Hamptons. We don't need you here."

She gasps as soon as she finishes talking. Cautiously, she looks around the bullpen, but no one seems to have heard her outburst. That's at least a good sign. She closes her eyes… and sees Rick walking out with Gina all over again. So far Kate was used to being able to control what happened with pretty much every aspect of her life except for her mother's murder. That, and Castle leaving her. Kate, a creature of habit, could not stand by and watch something she could not control.

"I need a moment."

She can't do this. He came back and she doesn't deserve him anymore. Not like this, all broken and drugged. He deserves better than her. Even better than Gina. Looking at what a mess she is, Kate can almost see why he left her in the first place. Only she wasn't toxic before now. Now he must want her even less than before.

As soon as she leaves her desk, Castle gets up too.

"Why didn't you call me sooner? Clearly she is not okay!"

"Yeah. I'm going to guess she didn't tell you what is wrong."

"Nope. And on top of that I do not think she wants me here."

Said out loud, the idea of Kate's rejection sounded awful. I will win her back, Castle promises to himself. He honestly wonders why he got called back here. Beckett didn't need him. She had Ryan, Esposito, Laine… and Josh. Why did Josh have to exist? On the bright side, Castle finds himself one step closer to solving the mystery of Kate Beckett. Now all he needs is to find Josh and interrogate his ass.

When Kate comes back, Rick returns to his chair and looks at her hopefully. Maybe now she is ready to talk. But he soon realizes that is wishful thinking as she ignores him and continues to look at files. Not to be discouraged, he decides to push for a conversation.

"So, what are you looking through?"

"Just financial records for the case."

She says it quietly with nothing more to add. This case seems to be fairly simple though. No crazy theories can be spun based on the evidence. The team is just waiting for finger prints to be identified.

"So, how is Josh doing?"

Kate looks at him blankly. "Josh?"

Castle didn't know how to continue based on the looks she was giving him. Um, Josh, as in the guy you are dating instead of me. The one who will never love you as much as I do he wants to add. Coming to the conclusion that she is playing dumb to get out of conversing, Castle decides to leave. She is acting strange, but he can't figure out why. But he does know a certain someone who may know.

"Hello? Could I help you?"

"Hello Josh. It's Castle."

"Castle? Ah Richard Castle, okay, you are Kate's partner."

"Were, is more like the proper term. Kate is no longer my partner. Well I mean I still think she is, but we are currently not solving cases together."

"Okay, so how can I help you?"

"Well, I was just wondering-"

"Sorry Castle, I'm on call and was just paged so if you need to talk about something you are going to have to call me back later."

With that Josh hung up. Well, that conversation was pointless. Castle decides to step back into the precinct and interrogate Kate herself. If he has learned anything from being her partner, it's that there is always another way to be resourceful.

"Hey Kate."

"You're back…"

"Yep. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well you left the first time. I just assumed you were going back to spend time with Gina."

That is an odd statement. "What do you mean?"

"Never mind."

She goes back to filling out forms. He wonders why all of her statements make no sense. Normally Kate is an all or nothing girl. Either she will say what she is thinking or not talk at all. He never remembers any cryptic phrases. Is she mad at him? What did he do? He never really did like her jedi mind tricks, but this surpasses that level of confusion.

"Is Josh still working at the same hospital?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know? You're his…"

Castle racks his brain. In some twisted way, her odd behavior does make sense is she and Josh are not together. When did she break up with him? He looks at her reaction, but sees no indicators to answer his question.

"You are still dating Josh, aren't you?"


End file.
